Loss

Some things we want to lose - weight, aggression, ugly pairs of socks, ignorance. And some things we want so desperately to tuck away into our pockets and never even let the sunshine see them for fear of them fading away and disintegrating.

Our lives are filled with loss, at least, that is how I feel some days. We lose friends to distance, lovers to other lovers, money to possessions, self-identity to the ever-swirling enigma of “normal”.

I am coming to the end of my time in Germany and with my departure from Europe and my imminent arrival back to “real life” I feel...emotional.

I have lost just a little bit of myself to this place - a part where insecurity and vulnerability shone in the dark strands of my hair and flushed my face with pink. I am thankful to have lost it. I am thankful to have gained some wisdom about myself - for with loss, comes wisdom - a lesson.

I have overcome my fear of being “literally” lost in a country where I don’t speak the language or know where I am or how to get home. But, what I realized is, you can always get home. I always can find my way back to where there are familiar arms to wrap tightly around my tiny body. And next week I will be home, and the thought of home, with everything I hate and love about it, fills my body with a pulsing joy! Home! Some people are not as fortunate as me to have wonderful people waiting for me back in Wisconsin in a tiny blue house on a corner of a busy road.

My niece Isabella asked me yesterday, “Are you excited to come home?”

“Yes,” I told her. Not because I do not love it here - I do. I love who I became here - stronger, more independent, better at handling my emotions. But I am excited for who I will become back home, back where it really matters.

Little losses prepare you for bigger losses. When I came to Germany, I lost Michael, if, only temporarily. The pain was so great that my mind and my body couldn’t function together. The pain scared me, it made me feel weak, it confused me. Could I trust the pain? Could I trust what my heart was telling me - that all the strength and happiness I could ever need or want lies within myself and those that I allow to feel the beating of my heart?

For a brief period of time, I didn’t trust it. I thought that something outside of me was controlling my lungs, and my throat, and my tears - an invisible grip of invisible fingers.

I can trust it now. I woke up this morning with a sense of calm, a sense of knowing. Everything will be okay. Michael will be there by my side, and I want him there. He can take care of me when I won’t be able to - he will lead me to the strength he knows I possess. He believes in me. He may be the only one who does. Because, at times, I certainly don’t believe in myself.

Some things we may never lose - insecurity and distrust. We are only human, after all. The reason I came to Germany was because I questioned my life, I questioned where it was leading me. But, had I just sat still, I would have realized the beauty of my life was not somewhere else but right where I stood. My beauty, my potential, are the words that I say and write, my smile, my generosity, the touch of my skin, the color of my eyes. And, if you are not careful, it can be stolen from you by false friends, empty promises, illogical notions of adventure and self-worth.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

I know Michael loves me. His love is pure and non-judgmental. It is wonderful to be loved and to love back. But I must still guard my heart for what is realer than the real love that Michael has for me. There is something that will nourish me beyond what I can get from him, or from anyone else. And I must open my heart to that - that promise that can remain unsaid, unwritten, for it goes beyond human description.

If you have ever found God, then you know what I mean.

And God doesn’t have to be a man-like being who judges and waves his hand at us from somewhere up above. God is something bigger than yourself.

God can be the drum beat of the earth, that deep-rooted pulsing of dirt and rock beneath our feet. God can be the heat of sunshine and the soft swaying of wildflowers in a breeze. God can be the touch of your mother’s hands, the soft words of love spoken in darkness.

Sometimes there is a false god who will tempt you, lead you astray, suck you into his arms and he will breathe heavily down your neck and you will breathe him in and choke. And you will forget yourself.

But remember, you can always find your way back home.

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“I have given you promises and commands that will protect you. Write them on your heart and mind. They will nourish you, guide you, and keep you for all the days of your life.”